Quick quiz, which of these things are a need?

A) I need a blow job
B) I need understanding
C) I need 2 hours of alone time every day
D) I need a fork for my pasta

If you've been in therapy at all, you may have noticed that we LOVE to talk about needs. Personally, I used to find this a turn-off. It reeked of therapy language, and I didn't get the concept. I thought to myself "the only things we really need are food, water, and shelter."

Now, as a couples therapist, I think about needs all the time. They are an extremely useful concept for determining what is missing in your life or relationship. I see folks struggle to name and ask for their needs to be met, and I see people use the concept of needs to ask for specific requests that are not actually relational needs. Let's all get on the same page about what a need is, so we can use the idea most effectively.

So What is A Need?

If it helps, think about relational needs as a separate word. Like the word "bat," or another homonym. It is spelled the same, but in different contexts it could mean a flying mammal or a piece of sports equipment. A survival need is water, a practical need is a fork, and a relational need is entirely different.

A relational need refers to a set of broad, universal concepts that any human might benefit from. These are things that won't keep you alive on a desert island, but they will keep you alive in your soul. Some examples are: autonomy, to be seen, meaning, sexual expression, creativity, and connection. They are generally one word, and generally have multiple ways of being met.

A common confusion is mixing up the actionable steps that meet a need with the need itself. If your need is autonomy, that need could be met by having separate finances, having 2 hours of alone time every day, having a non-hierarchical polyamorous relationship structure, or maybe just by having the remote.

A need is simple---> the ways to meet the need are varied, actionable, and able to be requested of others.

Non-violent communication is a great resource for learning to talk about needs, and many educators offer lists of these universal needs to check out, such as here, here and here.

Let's revisit the pop quiz. Which of these things are a need?

A) I need a blow job. This is an action that could help fill a need like sexual expression, connection, power, or another need. Phrased without tact, it becomes a demand.

B) I need understanding. Correct answer! This is a relational need. Add in actionable ways this need could be met (such as "repeating what you're hearing from me") for best results.

C) I need 2 hours of alone time everyday. Like A, this is an action that could help fill a need. But it is not a relational need.

D) I need a fork. This is a practical need.