This is part of a series on the common issues I see and treat in long term sexual relationships. Many of these issues overlap. They are complicated by other factors- gender, upbringing, relationship style, and more. The series does not delve into those additional layers of complexities. And while the series may include some suggestions for what to do differently, it isn't within the scope of the series to solve complex and layered relationship issues.

This series is intended to be a starting point for those wondering... how did we get here?

Why Your Sex Life is Broken: No Coals in the Fireplace

Do you think you could start a fire with just the tools in the room you're in now? I've got paper and books in here, but I don't have a clue what I could use to create a spark.

Could you start a fire with the same materials if you had some coals simmering in the corner? I definitely could.

When you're facing a libido difference in your long term relationship, it often starts to bleed into the rest of your non-sexual touch, and even your ways of talking and being with one another. The channels of desire, flirtation, and sensuality start to shut down, because neither of you want to risk feeling bad.

The lower libido partner starts to read other types of connection- squeezes, flirtation, kisses, as the beginning of pressure for sex. They may think things like "if we cuddle now, I'll have to turn them down for sex later." They begin to shy away from connection attempts. They are avoiding turning down their partner for sex, but that grows into avoiding all kinds of connection with your partner.

The higher libido partner starts to pull back from those actions too, feeling hurt at not getting a warmer reception for them. They may stop attempting to initiate sex, and over time, stop initiating any intimate connection at all.

Then, when the two of you do want to sexually connect, you have to start awkwardly from scratch. There are no coals in the fireplace, and maybe not even any matches in the house.

Relight your coals with small sensual, intimate, flirtatious, or erotic acts. Like a lingering kiss, a compliment, an act of service. Anything to let your partner know that you are thinking about them as something other than another adult that happens to live in your house.

This series is released monthly. Follow along for more.