This is part of a series on the common issues I see and treat in long term sexual relationships. Many of these issues overlap. They are complicated by other factors- gender, upbringing, relationship style, and more. The series does not delve into those additional layers of complexities. And while the series may include some suggestions for what to do differently, it isn't within the scope of the series to solve complex and layered relationship issues.

This series is intended to be a starting point for those wondering... how did we get here?

Why Your Sex Life is Broken: The Choreography

Once I visited a sex show in the red light district in Amsterdam. There was no real beginning or end to the show. You could enter anytime, your show would begin when you walked in, and at some point you'd realize that the whole thing had looped, and you'd seen this act before. It was a never-ending circle, from open to close.

I stayed through my first loop and I thought it was pretty neat, if a little straight. Different couples had intercourse on a rotating bed in the center of the stage. They would change positions, sometimes acrobatically, with the music, giving the audience a new angle. There were also some banana antics and pole performers, and you got some drink tickets with admission. A show!

But once I stayed through every act and my loop restarted, I realized something... Every position change, every angle, every on-tempo pump... everything about this sex was choreographed. It made total sense- this is a performance, and a rather long one too.

The first time around it was really impressive to see people go from fucking doggystyle to cowgirl on time with a music change. But for me, it took some of the magic away to see it a second time. It started to look a little colder, a little less mysterious, and a lot more formulaic.

In a long term sexual relationship, its incredibly common to co-write your own little choreography, and perform it for yourselves again and again. A sexual choreography between two people can be a beautiful thing. You know what works for each of you, so you do that! You know how to fit sex in on a weeknight when you've got to get up early with the kids. You know just the line to use when they're on the edge of orgasm.

Or sometimes a couple gets to a sexual script through a gradual narrowing of their moves, through learning what NOT to do, sometimes painfully. One person tried something new and their partner didn't respond to it well at all, so they avoid that move, and anything else like it while they're at it. The script is what keeps you both safe from rejection or discomfort.

The downside of a script is… over time it gets boring! Some recent studies indicate that sexual novelty could be quite important, specifically for women in long term sexual relationships. But regardless of your gender, I think that most people would agree that they’d like a little variety in their sex life.

You can keep your script. Just add to it!

This series is released monthly. Follow along for more.