As a sex therapist, these are the top 5 questions I get asked on a regular basis, and my best short answers:

5. What should I do to turn my partner on?

I don’t know! Ask your partner!

But seriously, you’d be surprised by the variety of erotic profiles (how and when and where people like to be touched, and what they want out of sexual experiences) that exist in the world. There simply is no shortcut to good, clear communication.

4. What should I do to turn myself on?

It can feel so confusing to want to want sex… but not to feel that sense of being turned on in your body. If you are confused about how to turn yourself on, a good place to start is to understand the concepts of sexual gas and breaks, and responsive desire vs spontaneous desire. Both of these concepts are covered in Emily Nagowski’s excellent book, Come As You Are.

3. But what do I really want?

It is incredibly hard to separate what our culture tells us we want out of sex, from what we actually want out of it. Maybe you went through a phase of sleeping around a lot, and now you’re questioning why. Maybe you’ve lost desire in your long term relationship. Maybe you’re fantasizing about new people or experiences and feeling surprised by yourself.

The truth is that our sexuality is not set in stone. It evolves and changes with us as we evolve and change. To start answering this question, first accept that you’re changing. Then you can dive into your next phase with curiosity over judgement.

2. Why are my body and my mind on different pages?

Maybe your mind knows that sex isn’t shameful, but you still feel a pit in your stomach the first time you try something new. Maybe your mind is committed to ENM, but your body feels dysregulated when you try intimacy with a new partner.

Bodies tend to take much longer to gain a felt sense of safety. Slowing down, mindfulness practices, and honest communication can help shift this.

1. Is this normal?

Honestly, sex therapists wouldn’t have a lot of business if everyone just knew the answer to this question was almost always…. yes, you’re normal.

Did you stop and wonder if you’re the exception to the rule? Just curious…