Should We Break Up Over Sex?

You want to feel wanted. You go to bed night after night longing to be touched by your partner, and to show them how much you desire them in turn. Or perhaps you’re having sex, but somehow it often ends with a long teary conversation that you and your partner are sick of having. It can be so lonely to go without sexual connection and fulfillment, stuck in confusion about whether things are fixable or not.

Should you break up?

You can choose to break up any time, for any reason. It is totally acceptable to prioritize your sexual needs. But if you’re not sure that’s what you want- here are some questions to help you assess whether there are some other areas to work on before deciding on a break up.

How are you all approaching this topic together?

Are you talking about it, or have you dropped the subject? Are you talking about it after one of you attempts to initiate, after sex, or during other inopportune times? Are you approaching it like a team, or is someone (or both of you), convinced that there is something wrong with the other person?

If you aren’t approaching the subject at the best times or in curious and compassionate ways- you might want to work on the way you’re talking about it before jumping to a breakup.

What work could you do on your own?

Do you know what turns you on? Do you know how your cultural conditioning and traumas show up in your sex life? Do you know what sex means for you personally beyond a way to get physical release? Are there aspects of your sexuality you’d like to embrace more? Are there health or body related factors that you need to examine or share with your partner?

If there is work that you can do on your own- you may want to take that on before deciding to break up.

What does the rest of our relationship look like?

Are you sharing the labor of your life and relationship in a way that works for you both? Do you feel emotionally safe together? Do you and your partner speak up when things aren’t working and take accountability for your actions? Do you like the life you’ve built together and do you want to build more of it?

If there are other areas of your relationship that aren’t working- you may want to try and change those before jumping to a breakup. Not all sexual issues can be solved by being emotionally close, but its a really good foundation to build from. If you’re not there, start there.

So should we break up?

You and your partner fully and empathically understand what your sexual needs are, you’re well connected emotionally, you’ve done your solo work, and you still aren’t fulfilled sexually. You’ve done “the work.” What now?

You can choose to accept that this need will not be met in the way you want it to be, and stay together. Or you can decide it is simply a dealbreaker for you and break up.