All the Mistakes I Made as the Higher Libido Partner
As I sometimes tell my clients who are struggling with mismatched libidos- I get it. I really do. I have been in a long term relationship where our different sex drives were a major, major sticking point. As the higher libido partner, I made so many of the same mistakes that I see my clients make (and I'm only a little embarrassed to admit them.)
Here is what I did that didn't work for me- what got me further from having a better sex life with my partner.
Pouted
When I was rejected for sex, I would withdraw and behave coldly. Working with so many higher libido partners, I know that this behavior is partially an attempt to take care of hurt feelings and not lash out in harmful ways. But if I am being honest, it was also a way to punish my partner. I wanted him to really get it- that I was hurting. I wanted him to come towards me and attempt to make up.
At best this is childish, at worst it is coercive. Don't make loving connection with your partner contingent on them having sex with you. It won't get you what you want, and its a crappy way to treat someone you love.
Talked about it at all the wrong times
I wanted to talk about sex after trying to initiate, after good sex, late at night, when drinking, once memorably when driving home from a concert a few hours away (the mood when from exuberant to frustrated before we even got out of the car line)... the list goes on.
The ideal time to talk about sex is when you are both calm, connected, and have plenty of time. The more you talk about sex at the wrong times, the more you both will start to dread the discussions, and the less likely the discussions are to lead anywhere.
Complained instead of requested
Rather than sharing what I was longing for, I often started conversations about sex with a complaint. Mainly, that I wanted MORE. I didn't share what I loved about the sex we were already having and ask for that, or ask for more of the things besides sex that kept me feeling intimately connected to my partner.
This is a good rule for all conversations about relationship issues. Just like speaking from an "I" place, not using overgeneralizations like "always" and "never," asking for what you want instead of complaining about what you don't have should be your relationship communication standard.
Blamed
We both pathologized each other, not knowing any better. If you find yourself in a conversation where each of you is insisting the other person should go to the doctor/sex therapist/sex addiction meeting... slow down.
The vast majority of sexual incompatibility issues are due to normal variation in sexual desire + a struggle to talk and problem solve the issue together. Start there.
Played games
I purposely flirted with others to try and create jealousy. I made sure to not answer texts in a timely manner, to make it seem like I was more busy and having more fun than I was. I did silly, indirect shit that didn't get me any closer to my goal of more sex with my partner.
Use your words. It just works better.
Initiated poorly
I looked my partner in the face more than once and asked "wanna do it?" This is not a cute way to initiate, or at least it wasn't for my partner.
It is admittedly vulnerable to try and slowly seduce your partner, while giving them lots of room for enthusiastic consent. I didn't have as much practice initiating then, thanks to embedded gender roles, and I needed to learn!
There is no one right way to initiate, but I can tell you its a place where SO many of my couples start to get into a pattern
Threatened to break up when I didn't mean it
Just don't do this. Its very destabilizing and really hard to come back from.
Unless there is a safety issue, a break up should be decided on when you are calm and grounded. That doesn't mean you shouldn't have feelings about it, or that it won't be scary and hard. But a "well, we should probably break up, then!" in the heat of it all may mean more about feeling stuck, and a sense of intolerance for the moment, than it does about what you really want.
Didn't examine my own relationship to sex
For me, back then, sex was a shortcut to all this other important stuff that I hadn't bothered to discover. Sex helped me feel safe in the relationship, validated as a woman (because I had learned that being wanted was an essential part of being femme), it gave me a place to demonstrate emotional connection, and it was a place for my own emotional release.
That's a lot to be mixed up in this physical act!
When you separate out all the different things you are seeking from sex, it can help you get those needs met elsewhere, and turn down the pressure on your sex life. For example, I've learned that regular deep conversations keep me feeling as safe in my relationships as sex does. I've also learned to incorporate time for emotional release in my life without sex- like with dance and somatic focused mindfulness practices.
Although there is a lot of hopelessness floating around the internet about "fixing" this kind of mixed libido relationship dynamic, we actually had a lot of luck changing this dynamic in our relationship over time. We eventually broke up due to other reasons, but had many years of a mutually exciting sex life before that.
Follow along on my blog for my personal story of how I helped to change our dynamic for the better!