The 10 Worst Mistakes Lower Libido Partners Make
Last month I wrote a blog post about all the mistakes I made in a previous relationship where I was the high libido partner. Now, in my counseling practice, I see couples that struggle with mismatched libidos quite a bit, and I have become familiar with the mistakes that the lower libido partner often makes.
Here is my
1. Having sex you don't enthusiastically want to have
This is the single most common mistake I see. Although it is really normal to have "maintenance sex" in your relationship, I do not suggest it.
Maintenance sex is sex that you feel "meh" about, that you think you should have, or that you are doing as an act of love for your partner. Most couples will run into this question at some point in their relationships- should we have sex that is more for one of us than the other?
On the surface, it sounds like a lot of issues that two people might run into in relationships. For example, maybe one person likes to go out more than the other. Most people will try and compromise on an issue like this. The person who likes to go out less can make a few exceptions once in awhile, right?
I urge you not to put sex into this category of compromise. The problem is that eventually your body will start to shut down more and more in sexual situations, and desire will be harder and harder to feel. Sex is in its own special category in relationships, and it should always be enthusiastically agreed on by both parties.
2. Not stopping sex if your desire doesn't catch up
Many lower libido partners have more of a "responsive desire" pleasure profile. That means that they may not be spontaneously aroused and seeking sex, but if they consent to some low pressure kissing, touching, and play, their desire will follow. They aren't walking around in the world feeling horny, as much as they are becoming horny under a carefully curated set of circumstances.
This presents quite a problem when trying to figure out if you want to say "yes" to sex. People with responsive desire need to dip a toe in the water to see what the temperature is before agreeing to more. Or maybe they want to wade in up to their knees today- but if their only choice is stay dry or dive in, they're probably going to stay dry.
These folks (and really everyone) need to have explicit permission say an enthusiastic maybe. This means you also need to be able to say no, anytime, for any reason, sometimes in the middle of things. Kindly stopping sex when you are not feeling it is an important skill to develop!
3. Not giving feedback
Get practiced at giving affirming feedback when you get what you want sexually, and gently asking for redirection when you aren't. Our bodies will want to come back again and again to sex that feels good, but we start to shy away from and shut down sex that doesn't feel good.
I promise you that waiting to tell your partner that you don't like that finger thing they do makes things worse over time, not better.
4. Not knowing how to turn yourself on
In order to give good feedback about what you like and want during sex, you have to know what you like and want! This can change over our lifetimes too, so knowing how to self pleasure is an ongoing project.
5. Taking blame
If you are having pain during sex, if your libido has radically dropped out of nowhere, if you have other suspected or related health issues, or if you have unprocessed sexual traumas, you may want to seek individual sex therapy.
If none of that applies, you are probably experiencing somewhere in your normal range of sexual desire for this time in your life! Don't let your partner or anyone else convince you otherwise.
The vast majority of sexual incompatibility issues are due to normal variations in sexual desire + a struggle to talk and problem solve the issue together. You and your level of sexual desire are not wrong or broken or weird.
6. Neglecting your private sexual sphere
I believe that we are all entitled to our own sexual spheres- fantasies, little crushes, and pursuits of personal pleasure. One of the things that can naturally start to happen in a long term relationship is that our sexual sphere starts to be crowded out by the sexual needs of the relationship- most especially for lower libido partners.
Reserve some of your sexuality for yourself, and read that fairy smut, watch that porn that only you like, or close your eyes and dream about something new!
7. Trying to change for your partner
Too many lower libido partners seek to push themselves into wanting more sex, when desire just does not work that way. Your brain simply cannot bully your sexuality into changing.
8. Not giving a loving "no"
This one is simple! When you are not interested in what your partner is offering, turn them down with reassurance and love. The more you can stay connected even when you're not in the mood for the same activity, the less likely it is to feel like a stressful event for either of you.
9. Being afraid to demonstrate desire in everyday contexts
There is a dance that starts to happen in a lot of mixed libido couples. The person more interested in sex throws out a soft feeler- a flirtatious comment, an extra erotic kiss, or a lingering squeeze- to see how their partner responds. Their partner freezes- feeling that if they respond positively now, that later they will have to turn down sex again.
This back and forth starts to shut off the low simmer of sexiness between two people that is so good for responsive desire.
10. Not being totally honest
If you've never been attracted to your partner sexually, never really been that into sex in general, or for any reason are just not that into changing the status quo between you and your partner and your sex life... you should consider being radically honest about that. Those are different issues than libido mismatch, and they should be treated as such. You and your partner should be having the right conversations.
This is rare, but I do see it in my practice. Folks try ineffective change for years, only to figure out that there was a big underlying reason why they could not change.
Would you add anything to my list? Let me know in the comments below.