Needs 102: Why Must I Have Needs?

If you need a refresher on what needs are, please read Needs 101.

Why Must I Have Needs?

Unfortunate, right?

We all have needs. They are universal. But if you look at a long list, a few will jump out at you, and you should take note of those.

Like the traits of a Sims character, adults often come pre-programmed with higher levels of certain needs. Maybe it is better thought of as being highly attuned to specific needs when they are not being met. Either way, you can expect yourself and your loved ones to have hot button needs that, when unmet, cause a feeling of reactivity inside your body.

Someone with an unstable home growing up may have a strong need for stability as an adult. Someone who felt very controlled in the past might desire a lot of freedom. Someone who has experienced a lot of manipulation may need a lot of honesty. Your hot button needs are a neon sign pointing to what needs self-awareness, self-healing, and compassion from others.

Pick your top three most-difficult-to-feel-met needs. The ones that are most important to you, and that you feel most reactive when they are unmet. Chances are, you're looking at a list of the top three reasons you have conflict with your loved ones.

Can I Make Them Go Away?

In short, no. But you can do some work to turn down your own reactivity and the heightened feelings you get when those needs are unmet.

In relationship work, it is essential to 1) know your own hot button needs and how you feel when they go unmet 2) know how to ask for them to be specifically met, and 3) be doing your own work to soothe or heal any wounds you might have related to these needs.

Let's pretend your hot button need is autonomy. Perhaps you feel reactive when your partner schedules something for you without consulting you. Maybe it is when you're asked to give support to your partner but you don't have the energy for it. Perhaps you feel a surge of anger when they incorrectly guess what you're thinking.

In knowing that these triggers are related to autonomy, you've already completed the first step. It might be a good idea to tell your loved ones that you've discovered this, and share vulnerably with them why you think this is a big deal for you.

Then you can do the second step, and ask for some specific types of help. It might be best if your partner never guesses what you're feelng, or for them to ask if you have the space to give some support before jumping into sharing their feelings.

Sometimes you don't have to problem solve it away. It can do a lot of good simply for you and others to know that occasionally you feel extra sensitive about autonomy. Then if someone treads on that need by accident (and its almost always by accident!) then you can both laugh it off just a little easier.

The third step is one of the most important steps. Soothing the wounds that created the sensitivity to your top needs will reduce your overall reactivity to them.

This can feel like a tough truth at times, but your partners simply cannot provide enough autonomy (or stability, or honesty, or whatever the need is) to heal your early childhood wounds. Its too much to ask, and even if they could, it wouldn't work without your help.

Healing your wounds is the closest you will get to making your needs "go away." Of course they will not really disappear. You wouldn’t want them to! They are part of the unique tapestry of you, and in that way they are beautiful.