Why Your Sex Life is Broken: The Performance Model
This is part of a series on the common issues I see and treat in long term sexual relationships. Many of these issues overlap. They are complicated by other factors- gender, upbringing, relationship style, and more. The series does not delve into those additional layers of complexities. And while the series may include some suggestions for what to do differently, it isn't within the scope of the series to solve complex and layered relationship issues.
This series is intended to be a starting point for those wondering... how did we get here?
Why Your Sex Life is Broken: The Performance Model
In the performance model of sex, failure and embarrassment are always one move away. In the performance model of sex, there is a right way to do sex, and there are many wrong ways. The right way to do sex is determined by others- what you’ve seen and heard from the media, friends, porn, or your community.
The performance model sounds like:
I have to give my partner an orgasm
I have to last X amount of time
I have to look a certain way to be sexy
I have to orgasm so my partner knows they're doing a good job
I have to orgasm so we can stop
I have to have an erection, get wet, or otherwise need my genitals to show that I am aroused
I have to know what I'm doing
My genitals should look a certain way or be a certain size
If I get distracted, there’s something wrong with me
Farts, giggles, queefs, sweat, too much or too little noise, too much or too little ejaculate, etc, are gross or embarrassing
I have to like giving or receiving oral
I don't need to check in with my partner, because everyone likes X
Using toys mean I'm not good enough on my own
Its weird if I like X
Any deviation from these beliefs means failure. Like the difference between the SATs and your favorite pleasure read; when something has rules, it has a sense of pressure too.
The performance model leads directly to performance anxiety.
In the performance model, gender often dictates what you are "supposed" to perform. If you have a penis, it should be hard and that erection should last, and you should be able to give your partner an orgasm. If you have a vagina, you must look good and be able to orgasm from penetrative sex (which is uncommon, statistically speaking).
For queer folks, there is often some amount of release from these "rules," but they can still be surprisingly present, as anyone who has even been on Grindr for more than a day can probably attest. Unfortunately, being queer doesn't mean automatic freedom from the performance model mindset.
In contrast, we have the pleasure (or presence) model of sex to aspire to. In the pleasure model of sex, the top priorities are presence, play, exploration, consent and authenticity. There is no one right way to do sex.
A pleasure model sounds like:
I like this
We can stop anytime I'm done
I feel present
I'd like to try X
If I want to know what my partner wants or likes, I ask
If I get distracted, its no big deal
Unexpected things happen with bodies, and that is a normal part of sex
I really like this!
Although the performance model of sex can feel deeply engrained in us, There are ways to begin to undo it. Practicing slow mindfulness during sex, noticing performance based thoughts, and noticing pleasure based sensations are all good ways to begin to undo that mindset.
Are there performance model beliefs that I missed? Pleasure model beliefs you’d add? Let me know in the comments below.
This series is released monthly. Follow along for more.