Why Your Sex Life is Broken: An Imbalance in Caretaking
This is part of a series on the common issues I see and treat in long term sexual relationships. Many of these issues overlap. They are complicated by other factors- gender, upbringing, relationship style, and more. The series does not delve into those additional layers of complexities. And while the series may include some suggestions for what to do differently, it isn't within the scope of the series to solve complex and layered relationship issues.
This series is intended to be a starting point for those wondering... how did we get here?
Why Your Sex Life is Broken: An Imbalance in Caretaking
If there is an imbalance in the labor it takes to run your life together- whether it is childcare labor, household labor, money managing labor, emotional labor, or the labor of creating meaning and purpose in life- a problem with sex may not be far behind. If one person is doing more than their share, the hidden cost is often their sexual attraction to their partner.
Why?
Well, we generally don't want to sleep with the people we take care of. People that we take care of without expecting the same in return may feel more like children or other dependents than partners. They aren't people that we feel sexual about!
I'm not suggesting that all partnerships run off a 50/50 labor split at all times. Work should be divided equitably, not equally. Some days (or years) one of you will have more to give than the other. Some folks will always be a little time-blind, or not as practiced at sharing a vulnerable emotion. Everyone shines in different areas too, and sometimes the only thing to do about it is appreciate how amazing your partner is at planning fun, and continue to let them take the lead on it.
People can also forget to see and appreciate the labor that others do. Sometimes you may need a reality check about how much your partner is actually contributing!
But, after it all shakes out, assuming that you've carefully looked for any blind spots and accepted any unchangeable facts about your partner.... you should have the feeling that there is a roughly reciprocal exchange of care in your relationship.
The good news is that acknowledging this imbalance can be quick and relieving. If you'd like it to, the imbalance can start to be be rectified right away, with the caretaker stepping back, and their partner stepping forward. The bad news is that even with an immediate change to a dynamic, it can still take some time for the change to be trusted, and for the effects to allow room for sexual attraction to grow again.
This series is released monthly. Follow along for more.