Why Your Sex Life is Broken: What You Saw, Read, and Heard
This is part of a series on the common issues I see and treat in long term sexual relationships. Many of these issues overlap. They are complicated by other factors- gender, upbringing, relationship style, and more. The series does not delve into those additional layers of complexities. And while the series may include some suggestions for what to do differently, it isn't within the scope of the series to solve complex and layered relationship issues.
This series is intended to be a starting point for those wondering... how did we get here?
Why Your Sex Life is Broken: What You Saw, Read, and Heard
Two enemies stand within inches of each other, faces contorted, emotions running high... and then they kiss. They tear each others clothes off, making out down a hallway while accidentally pushing the artwork sideways. The scene closes on the two of them having mutual orgasms in the missionary position.
You pick up a Cosmo magazine (its 1997) and read an article on how to give exciting blow jobs. Ice cubes are suggested. There isn't anything in the article about increasing your own pleasure.
You're 11 and you figure out what happens when you search "boobs" on the internet. The porn you find is created for clicks, with actors selected for their body parts, and storylines made to touch a sense of taboo. You see bigger dicks, louder moans, more athletic positions, and weirder storylines than you'll likely ever find in real life.
Most of us see one or more of these kinds of media before we actually start having sex with other humans, and we continue consuming after we start partnered sex too. Whether or not we mean to, we can absorb the messages about sex from media as if they were standards to live up to. What you saw, read, or heard can become what you expect of yourself or your partner.
Sex in media is so vastly different from real life sex. If your template is porn, movies, sex advice, or fairy smut, you're guaranteed to feel confused about why what you're doing with your partner seems so different. Here is an (incomplete) list of some of the things about sex with a partner that differ from sex in media:
You have to talk about what you like and want, and not just one time.
You won't have what you imagine to be the perfect body, and your partner might not either.
There will be moments of being bored, distracted, anxious, etc.
There won't always be orgasms, and when there are, they won't always be simultaneous.
Trying new things like using ice cubes or handcuffs might feel more awkward than sexy at first, and will require... You guessed it, communication.
Pleasure isn't always loud.
Pleasure isn't always fast.
Pleasure doesn't always require innovation.
Can you think of other ways that sex in real life differs from sex in the media? Comment below!
This series is released monthly. Follow along for more.