Why Your Sex Life is Broken: Its You
This is part of a series on the common issues I see and treat in long term sexual relationships. Many of these issues overlap. They are complicated by other factors- gender, upbringing, relationship style, and more. The series does not delve into those additional layers of complexities. And while the series may include some suggestions for what to do differently, it isn't within the scope of the series to solve complex and layered relationship issues.
This series is intended to be a starting point for those wondering... how did we get here?
Why Your Sex Life is Broken: Its You
Most of the time, an unsatisfying sex life in a partnership is due to a co-created dynamic. Sometimes though, one person can contribute to a broken sexual connection more than the other.
Here are some of the ways that a sexual dynamic can become damaged by your actions:
1. Your initiation is off
Initiation is a vital part of erotic build up. It is what takes you from two people eating chips on a couch together, to two people really eager to mix bodily fluids.
Coming on too strong, starting in at the wrong time, or jumping from sensual touch to erotic touch too quickly are common ways that initiation can become unsexy.
2. You don't know what you like
If you aren't sure how to turn yourself on, it can be very hard to get there with a partner. If you've never had an orgasm with yourself, its very VERY hard to get there with a partner.
While sex is always an exploratory process, and you don't need to know everything you like before trying it (after all, how do you learn what you like without trying it?), you should be able to ask for the tried and true things that get you going.
3. It's all about you
Maybe you're one of the lucky few who have never had sex with someone who didn't seem to care much about your pleasure. Most of us though, have had sex with a person who didn't seem to be all that invested in our enjoyment of the event. Its not fun, and it doesn't inspire a desire for more sex.
Unless its consensual kink play, don't use your partner as a sex toy!
4. You don't talk about what you like
Maybe it isn't that you don't know what you like. You know you've been needing things to go slower, and you know you hate when your partner initiates right before bedtime. If you know you want something to be different… say it!
What else should be on this list? Let me know in the comments below
This is the final installment of this series for now. Thanks for reading along!