Why Your Sex Life is Broken: Trauma

This is part of a series on the common issues I see and treat in long term sexual relationships. Many of these issues overlap. They are complicated by other factors- gender, upbringing, relationship style, and more. The series does not delve into those additional layers of complexities. And while the series may include some suggestions for what to do differently, it isn't within the scope of the series to solve complex and layered relationship issues.

This series is intended to be a starting point for those wondering... how did we get here?

Why Your Sex Life is Broken: Trauma

This probably needs very little explanation.

Sexual trauma can, of course, play an especially big role in a difficult relationship to sex. But so can religious trauma, childhood abuse, attachment trauma, or any other kind of traumatic experience. Anything that has left your body feeling unsafe in a big way can leave a lasting legacy on our ability to feel pleasure.

We can understand on an intellectual level that our partners are safe for us, that sex is safe for us, and that what we are doing is okay. But sometimes that message of safety doesn't make its way down into our bodies. This may look like a freeze response, where its hard to know what you want. It might look like a running mind, an unplaceable sense of dread or fear, a preoccupation with our partner's experience over our own, or even an avoidance of sexual thoughts, feelings, or situations in general.

If you suspect that trauma is playing a part in your sexual disconnection (with a partner or with yourself!) it might be a good idea to pursue individual therapy. If your trauma is not sexuality-specific, EMDR and IFS modalities are great approaches.

If a trauma response is in the way of your sexual relationship with a partner, sensate focus treatment with a sex therapist might be a good way to slow down and build a sense of safety.

This series is released monthly. Follow along for more.