Why Your Sex Life is Broken: There's No Stopping the Train
This is part of a series on the common issues I see and treat in long term sexual relationships. Many of these issues overlap. They are complicated by other factors- gender, upbringing, relationship style, and more. The series does not delve into those additional layers of complexities. And while the series may include some suggestions for what to do differently, it isn't within the scope of the series to solve complex and layered relationship issues.
This series is intended to be a starting point for those wondering... how did we get here?
Why Your Sex Life is Broken: There’s No Stopping the Train
If you HAD to go for a full swim anytime you dipped your toes in water... how often do you think you'd dip them? Would you ever wade into the ocean on an overcast day, pop a foot in a stream to cool off, or sit by the pool with your legs in the deep end.. if it meant you always had to jump in after?
If you and your partner don't create a culture of permission to stop, say maybe, or shift gears during sex, then you've built yourselves an unstoppable train. Once you’re on, you’re on. You've created a culture where to say yes to one thing, means to say yes to the "whole thing." Even through pain, an inability to let go of a worry from the day, or just feeling more distracted than you'd like to feel. If you're on the train, it ain't stopping until someone comes.
Not only does everyone deserve ongoing space to give consent, no matter how long you’ve been in a relationship or how many times you’ve had sex- but this model doesn’t give space to “try on” being turned on to see if it fits today.
Especially for folks with a more responsive desire profile- one where sexual desire often follows being sensual with a partner, and not precedes it, its vital to be able to say yes to the things that might allow desire to come forward without having to say yes to more. Responsive desire folks need to be able to make out, cuddle, and play around before they decide if they're feeling into genital play, penetration, something else, or none of the above.
Don't make your sex life into a train, make it a charcuterie board.
A little of this, a little of that. Mix it together differently when the mood strikes. Orgasm optional. Nobody gets upset if the charcuterie board isn't all finished by the end of the party! You taste what you want, and leave the rest.
In order to practice this charcuteries board mindset, start setting aside time to be intimate together that is explicitly (you both agree and you keep the agreement) about dipping your toes in the water of eroticism, with a limit (no clothes off, no touching genitals).
Or, if you are the higher libido partner, give your partner a sexy kiss or a sexy touch with zero expectation that anything happen later. If you are the lower libido partner, ask specifically for an act that feels sensual or erotic to you, with the understanding that is all you want for now.
Don’t let your sex life be a train. Be a charcuterie board.
This series is released monthly. Follow along for more.